Report from the Front

Dearest Kandice,

Today was a day that will weigh heavy upon my heart for years to come, God willing that I survive this night.

Colonel Sanders led the 501st Social Justice Warriors in an assault to retake the Chapel Hill Whole Foods Market. I was one of 17 vegans sent over the wall, and it was my job to secure the deli counter. I saw 5 of my fellow patriots fall to the onslaught of the usurpers stationed behind the fish counter. 11 more fell in the aisles within minutes. I staved off the attackers by hurling bottles of wine I can’t pronounce correctly at them. Soon the air was thick with the smells of blood, burnt gunpowder, overpriced alcohol, and chicken-fried tofu. I looked outside to motion for reinforcements, but all that I saw was a Prius and a Volvo in flames. Colonel Sanders must have ordered more waves of patriots into the store, as soon I was surrounded by friendly hipsters who offered me coconut water.

Tonight we ride to Asheville and regroup. Generals Ruffalo and Pitt are there, waiting for our reports. We expect casualities en route, as Chick-fil-a loyalists have stationed themselves shamelessly along the major highways. Our only hope is that so few of us are left that we might slip by unnoticed. We’ve mapped out the 14 Starbuck’s from Chapel Hill, in the vain belief that some still live to provide shelter for our weary warriors.

Yours forever,
Brian

#secondcivilwarletters

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